My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
