I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
