Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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