So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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