My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
