He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
