Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
