Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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