Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
