I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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