You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
