She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
