saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
