gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
