So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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