i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
