there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
