he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
