i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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