Having a random hookup so left but love u
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
