First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
