I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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