Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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