I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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