those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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