i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Drunk is not a location!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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