Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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