Who wears a wallet chain?!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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