I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
