Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
