u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
