Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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