I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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