He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
