Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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