Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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