I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
