I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
