It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize