So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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