nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
