that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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