I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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