My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
