Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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