Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
