Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
