I can text with my tongue
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
