god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
