Don't you send me to vm
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
