just tell him i said nine months
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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