i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
