If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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