My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
