i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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