seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
