I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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