He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
