The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
