do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My liver just had a heart attack.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
