I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
