After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
