Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
