Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
