On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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