i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the day after is always just damage control
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
